I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
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Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
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Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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