Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
