My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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