6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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