"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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