Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
