Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
