DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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