if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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