The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
