I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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