Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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