While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
