I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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