At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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