I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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