I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
