and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
