i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
