This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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