Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
