I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
