when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
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I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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