I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
