I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
