my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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