Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
