if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
