saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
