Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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