Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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