My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Someone signed my nipple.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
