I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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