She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
