I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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