Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
