i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
