I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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