Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They took my balls.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Randomize