I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
