There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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