Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
