Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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