hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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