Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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