i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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