i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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