I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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