don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it hurts more in the daytime
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just found a bag of teeth...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
