You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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