Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
