when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
