Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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