dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
