i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
