we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
